Peace, Interrupted

The kids go and grow big and all those mamas that told us way back when that it gets easier now…

I’ll say what no one is bold enough to say…

….it actually gets a little harder.

Their interruptions are more of an interruption and instead of wiping a snotty nose and getting back to the conversation, you’re wiping out hurts and trying to find the way back to a conversation that started before the kids were even born.

They’re bigger.

They’re louder.

They take up more space.

In the room…in the house…in our days…in our minds.

Our hearts have gone and grown big right along with them and when I ask my husband why I seem so much more tired now that they’re older than I did when they were little when it seemed like I was working harder then, he said “We’ve been parents a long time now. When you do something for a long time, it’s bound to be tiring.”

I’m tired.

And even though I’m tired, they’re not and they go and they go and they do and they do and they adore us and want to be around us all the time and ask questions and talk long and have us take them places and do fun things and I wouldn’t ever want that to change, and if it does, that IS okay to lie to me about because I don’t want to know when the day will come that they don’t want to be around me anymore.

But theses times are tiring.

And the peace can be hard to find.

So when I blast past the pal at the grocery store after a quick hello, I can hear it in her voice when she says feebly…okay…well have a good day then…

And my tired heart sighs.

We’re in a hurry, we’re all in a hurry and it’s going so fast and if we don’t rush we’ll be late…and the kids need me and the house needs me and my husband needs me and my friends need me and the church needs us and the organizations need us and our communities need us and the unreached need us and even the clerk at the grocery store, she needs us too, just to give her a smile if nothing else, and….

…and my heart deflates because my truck is so close but I may never see her again so I take a deep breath and even though I’m almost to the door I turn around and walk back across the store and give her a hug.

I’m sorry I was rushing I tell her in one breath.

“Peace be with you” she says into my neck.

And we hug long and I leave again.

I’m tired of rushing.

I’m tired of peace interrupted.

I’m tired of the distractions that pull me in four hundred different directions before my eyes even float open in the morning.

I’m tired of missing the marriage that I love to fall in love with daily and I’m tired of knowing my man is probably missing it too.

Another interruption comes today and I have to take a minute to think it through and get peaceful about it, because how many interruptions can one day handle really? Or a week? Or a season?

I accept this new invitation and it gives me an hour to myself and I sit among fireweed swaying in the summer breeze on this piece of land that’s almost ours and while I wait on my girl who’s hard at work at a friend’s house, I puzzle where we’ll set the house my children will finish growing in and I reach for the Peace Be With You.

Forgive me Lord.

All those babies last year in church that I stood up front to share our work of the season…

…our Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest….learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart…you will find rest for your souls.

All that time years back when the sister of my heart read it with me when she too was reaching for peace…we read it every day, right there in red in John 14… Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid. DSC_0028 (2)

How easily do we forget where our peace comes from?

I drive home and I drive slow.

I take a little extra time to clean up the toenail polish that’s slowly chipping off since my husband painted it on thick and red a couple months ago as an act of peace.

I look at the flowers on my table that he brought home in the hopes of calming my restless spirit.

I watch the children working hard in the yard on their 4-H projects as they prepare for their summer grand finale, our local fair.

This life is busy…and these days are busy and these children are busy…but this life is good.

Peace Be With You.

Until these children are grown, my schedule won’t ever be peaceful. I will have hurricanes and friends will have storms and husbands will have stresses and family will have deep needs and this world will always require just a little bit more of what I have to give.

But just like the interruption of today turned into a blessing for tomorrow, I have to embrace it.

This season.

This life.

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And I have to remember where to go when I’m weary and burdened.

Because sometimes even when there’s nothing wrong…a mama can just get weary. With wiping noses…with wiping tears…with wiping clean slates from the messes of the day.

But I have to remember to stop and hug and breathe in the scent of love and friendship before I’ve gone so fast that I’ve missed it.

I have to remember to spend time on what’s important, and on the people who need me the most.

I have to remember that this heart can’t be troubled or afraid and that it needs to welcome…to embrace…interruptions.

And that as it does, this heart will find its peace.

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There is no other name, by which man can be saved…

there is no other name under Heaven.

There is rest for my soul, and the wounded made whole…

and the captives set free and forgiven.

~There is No Other Name, Robin Mark

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